Soul Searching session 2

I’m fuckin’ pissed at myself.

I’m pissed because someone told me something very undesirable recently and I didn’t like it at all.

I’m hating myself for behaving like a total idiot.

I’m thinking of something drastic, but deep inside me I know that our friendship must be stronger than to let something so subtle ruin us.

I’m totally clueless about what to do right now, the lack of your presence seems to have affected me too much.

I’m always imagining things and they don’t do good to my mental condition now.

I’m always viewing the worse case scenarios in my head over and over again.

I’m thinking about what lies ahead of us in the near future, and I don’t want what we promised to be forgotten.

I’m scared that I will lose my only person to lean onto in times of need.

I’m utterly scared that foreign intervention will be the factor to the worse consequence to our relationship.

I’m being paranoid, for that foreign intervention could be harmless, yet I’m still scared. So scared…

I’m letting my imagination run wild in times of silence between us, and whatever my mind came up with they are all so dreadful that I will do anything to make things turn away from that possibility.

I’m attention-seeking on MSN again, you probably know.

I’m always doing that, I know.

I’m waving a banner that says ‘SPEAK TO ME’ yet you don’t see it, because I don’t dare to do it.

I’m really hating myself now.

I’m a fool.

I’m posting this not because I wanted to gain your attention or pity. What’s been held up in me is just too much for me to hold. I needed somewhere to reveal my thoughts and emotions, yet can only do it in such a way. I am still keeping that secret of yours which you told me, it could have been fulfilled in the past week, I do not know. The only thing in front of me right now is a nightmare coming true. I really don’t want our friendship to be ruined.

I’m sorry.